Last week I wrote a post about what wives can do when we feel unattractive to our husbands. It was a call to discard the definitions of a beautiful woman and to remember our identity in Christ. Take hold of the greater truth of who we are and find our worth in God’s promises through Christ.
Our husbands are not the source of our self-worth. If you think that he is, you desperately need to repent of your idolatry.
You have placed your husband’s opinion higher than the Lord’s. You are looking to him to affirm your worth, your beauty and your being. He will disappoint you.
He is human, and that also makes him a sinner. No human, not even him, has the privilege of determining the truth about who you are.
Now I know many of us have been targets of emotional, mental or spiritual abuse. However, the only being who can truly heal you from the things that have been done or said to you, or the things that you’ve internalized as a definition of you, is God.
Please allow Him to tell you the Truth and alleviate the responsibility from your husband.
Now, aside from allowing God to reign in your thoughts about yourself, here are some tangible things that you can do to help boost your emotional health about your physical sexiness.
1. Be His Delight
As we will see in the next post on this topic, our husbands are to delight in us. Therefore, it will help them all the more when they see that we make an effort to be a delight to them.
I’m not saying that you have to make sure you’re wearing the latest trends, or have your hair and make-up done to see him out the door. Instead, simply make an effort to wear what you know he likes. Get dressed in the morning, comb your hair, brush your teeth.
Make sure that you look different than you do when he reaches for the alarm in the morning.
For me, this has meant subscribing to StitchFix for a few months so I could gain some cute clothes that are comfortable for me without having to take a whole day to go to the city and shop – something I really don’t like doing. Now that I’ve gotten some flattering pieces to throw on with a pair of jeans or a skirt, it’s easy for me to look through my closet.
I also make it a point to wear mascara every day. That’s it — just mascara! Mascara makes me feel like I’ve got make-up on without me having to actually wear make-up every day. I don’t really like make-up but I know that mascara brings out my eyes and those are my husband’s favorite quality about me.
Oftentimes, men are attracted to the things they see (this is why pornography or provocative movies, billboards, etc can easily tempt our men). Doing these small gestures to get ready for the day will tell him that you care about yourself and about him. It will be easier for him to delight in you when you put in some effort to help him.
2. Godliness is the Goal
…train yourself for godliness; for while physical training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.” — 1 Timothy 4:7b-8
The goal of life is not to attain the most amazing physique, or to acquire the glorious comfortable lifestyle that is often accompanied by mounds of debt. It’s not about being the most fantastic cook with all organic ingredients, or having your house and your appearance all put together.
Life is not about even about going to the gym and working out to ensure that you stay attractive to your husband. What is it about? It’s about Jesus, His glory and His name in our lives as believers.
We have all kinds of tasks, to-dos, goals & wish lists that take mental energy and we must prioritize. The easiest one to leave behind is the one that’s most important — growing in godliness. Time with God, reading Scripture and listening to what He is teaching you through it.
Growing in godliness is what makes our lives useful in expanding the Kingdom. If you ask my husband, it’s what makes me most attractive to him (not that I have attained godliness but I seek to grow in it above other things).
Ensuring that I am in the Word every day is so much more important than making sure I get my 20 minutes of work-out in. I’d rather prioritize my walk with God above all the other “good” things to be done.
Do not let your adorning be external… but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” — 1 Peter 3:3-4
3. Recognize that Our Bodies Change (It’s NATURAL)
God, in His great design, set the physiological process of aging in place. As we age, metabolism slows & our bodies will fail us over time.
Aging is a natural process where wrinkles start to appear, skin starts to sag (more readily after having kids), stretch marks appear, hair starts growing in areas that it didn’t before (hello, feminine beard and masculine ear-bush!). Over time, we will see the effects of aging in increased weight, varicose veins, skin/sun spots, and graying or loss of hair.
This is not to encourage us to find the fountain of youth and ensure that we constantly try to look like we’re in our 20s. We shouldn’t starve ourselves or spend thousands of dollars over time ensuring our wrinkles are filled, hair is colored, and we’re at the gym for more hours than we are connecting with our families.
Gray hair is a crown of glory;
it is gained in a righteous life.” — Proverbs 16:31
It is wise & mature to recognize God’s design for our bodies as we age, to accept it as beautiful and to age gracefully.
Let us look upon our engagement photos with thoughts that we were beautiful back then, and let us look upon the reflection in the mirror still saying we are beautiful throughout God’s process of aging.
The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon.
They are planted in the house of the Lord;
they flourish in the courts of our God.
They still bear fruit in old age;
they are ever full of sap and green,
to declare that the Lord is upright;
he is my rock, and there is no unrighteousness in him.” — Psalm 92:12-15
4. Pursue Him
Our men also need to know that we are attracted to them. They need to know that we love and accept them just as they are as well. Too often, women put up emotional walls that bleed into physical walls and inhibit intimacy in all it’s forms.
Sex is only one avenue of intimacy but it encompasses many forms. In sex, women are emotionally, mentally and physically engaged in loving our husbands (or at least I hope so!). Yet, how often do we initiate that contact? How often do we tell & show our men that we find them sexy?
Let us imitate the bride in the Song of Solomon 5:10-16 and our words and actions to pursue intimacy with our husbands!
My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
distinguished among ten thousand.
His head is the finest gold;
his locks are wavy,
black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves
beside streams of water,
bathed in milk,
sitting beside a full pool.
His cheeks are like beds of spices,
mounds of sweet-smelling herbs.
His lips are lilies,
dripping liquid myrrh.
His arms are rods of gold,
set with jewels.
His body is polished ivory,
bedecked with sapphires.
His legs are alabaster columns,
set on bases of gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as the cedars.
His mouth is most sweet,
and he is altogether desirable.
This is my beloved and this is my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.” — Song of Solomon 5:10-16
Is there anything you need to admit to yourself, to God, and to your spouse in order to increase the intimacy in your marriage?
Don’t forget to read the first post, When a Wife Feels Unlovely!