When thinking about the goodness of God, I can’t help but think of His mercy in bringing me from my darkness (depression, cutting, thoughts of suicide and the like) into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). I thank Him every day for forgiving me, for saving me, for bringing me such a godly man to share this life with, and for the beautiful kids He has entrusted to my care. If He had never drawn me to Himself, I would probably be dead by now.
I was damaged, broken, angry, lonely, sad, depressed, worried, fearful, ashamed and I believed I really had nothing to offer anyone, much less Him. It took yet another abandonment before God finally got my full attention – I really didn’t want to live like this anymore. Instead of deciding to end it all, I decided to enter college with purpose. It wasn’t the purpose of finding what to study to escape my town or have a fabulous job I was good at. Instead it was with purpose to learn about God, to make some friends, and to live a different life than where I was headed.
The first thing I did was find a Christian group on campus, Campus Ventures, and was discipled. I learned of the wonderful grace & mercy of God that literally saved my life. I learned that through His torture and sacrifice, He was displaying the ultimate act of love to save me from my torture. This journey lead me into missions and sharing the impact of this love with others – I developed a heart for the lost and for helping others help others (discipling) and I’ve been on a road that causes me look back and not recognize who I was before. Many of the deepest parts of me are utterly changed – I am 180° different than who I was before.
Apart from God’s grace, I can’t fathom the vast difference that I see in me but also that others have seen in me. It is for His glory, that’s the only way to explain it.
I no longer think that no one would miss me if I were gone. I actually have a few friends of my own who know my wounds & love me anyway. I am joyful and full of life because I now recognize the beauty of the cross. I see the lavish love He has given us through the blood & wounds suffered with iron nailed into wood (Ephesians 1:7-9). I have learned that pouring myself over the pages of His Word and living in His glory are what help increase my faith and trust Him.
I cannot be anything other than thankful. I know where I came from and what He’s done to change me. I’m alive because of Him, literally.