CAUTION: I’m going to be “real” with you — as in pretty darn vulnerable and open here.
Over the past year, I have battled disappointment, anger and doubt in God. It all started last May when Paul and I decided to start trying for a baby. Each month was agony because I lived in this 2-week mindset where for 2-weeks I knew I couldn’t be pregnant but then for the next 2-weeks I waited with high hopes that we would be pregnant and starting our family, only to be disappointed each month that it wasn’t true. I went through some really big ups and downs and eventually tried very very hard to NOT have hopes at all and expected the worst each time; but it was such a struggle to not hope that the answers to our prayers were going to come each month.
What made my struggle worse was the fact that since late summer last year, nearly all my married friends got pregnant, and in one 2-week span, I got 7 notices of pregnancies from friends, or friends of friends – and it crushed me and I began to feel despair. There were a lot of tears in the journey. The wake-up call for me was when my twin sister, my best friend and deepest confidant got pregnant. When Katie told me she was pregnant, I was stunned. I sat in silence for a long time trying to figure out what I was feeling. I was devastated because while I REALLY wanted to be happy for her, I was angry with God. I was also angry at myself for not being as happy for her as I wanted to be or should be! The reason for that anger was because I had done everything “right” (I was a virgin when I got married, I never used any birth control that would mess with my hormones and stuff, and I had altered my lifestyle to prepare for pregnancy) and was still having such a hard time getting pregnant; while Katie had just gotten off birth control and was pregnant 2 weeks later. God woke me up when I processed all of this as I tried to learn to be supportive and genuinely happy for my sister.
He taught me that I was being a Pharisee. I had the mentality of “doing” everything correct and expecting Him to answer my prayers as I would see fit, instead of trusting Him and trusting in His timing for His glory and will. I learned that it’s ok to be angry, disappointed, discouraged and even doubt God; and that He gingerly cares for me in those times, gently prodding me toward greater faith. In the last 3 months, since Katie announced her pregnancy, I have grown to genuinely be excited for her, and to actually want to help her and support her through every turn of event in her pregnancy. I have grown in trusting God, and in putting the situation in His hands and in my prayer life too. Through countless prayers about the desire to conceive and the doubts of “what if” and listening to God and taking Him at His word and promises, I have grown in my faith.
I’m also ecstatic to announce that this morning we found out that Paul and I are pregnant. Ok, well I’m pregnant and Paul’s a daddy! We are due around the end of November or early December, and hopefully (Lord-willing) the pregnancy will go well. I haven’t yet seen an OB but will be making my appointment very soon. We are so excited, and will be praying our way through the rest of the pregnancy and birth. So, 11 months later (of trying), we are now proud to announce that we are a mommy and a daddy… let the celebration begin!!!!